


Insecurities

by ChickenFrappe



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Makeup Sex, Mental Breakdown, Mild Smut, Sad, Seonghwa is a good friend, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-07-28 07:54:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20060599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChickenFrappe/pseuds/ChickenFrappe
Summary: He found any way to stray away from feeling happy, from feeling human.





	Insecurities

Everything is so quiet. This house isn’t a home anymore. Everything is silent,lifeless, and dead. It was so quiet he could hear the shuffle of his feet when he walks on the hardwood floor.

Hongjoong was on the verge of insanity. He gripped his red hair, pulling at the strands until a single tear dropped from his eye.

He missed him so much. So fucking much that it hurt . But Hongjoong was too broken, too many pieces to pick up, too many shattered pieces to try and fit together.

He can’t function properly.

“I think you need to calm down.” Seonghwa said in a calming tone. His hands rubbed his back to keep Hongjoong from having another breakdown. He tried feeding the younger but,he refused, he tried bringing him out the house but he complained about the weather. 

He found any way to stray away from feeling happy, from feeling human.

“You love him, Joong.” Hongjoong felt the tears coming again. Seonghwa reminded him everyday that he loved Mingi. His eyes burned with emotion as he felt a ramble of pain surfacing at his throat.

“I do. I’m scared hyung, I’ve done so much damage. Everything is my fault. If I just-“

“Shh.” Seonghwa pulled him into another tight hug.” Mingi loves you. He’ll understand.”

“I’m not ready for love.” He snapped, teeth clenched and his small fists gripping Seonghwa’s shirt. He was vulnerable. He was supposed to be the one helping everyone, but instead, he’s truly vulnerable . Seonghwa can count the amount of times he’s seen Hongjoong cry on one hand.,” I don’t even deserve it.”

“Hongjoong-“

“I don’t deserve him. He’s so giving and- and he’s so loving. I can’t give him that. I’m shattered,hyung.” Hongjoong explained breathlessly.Tears fell off his chin in a mess on his shirt. He’s sniffling and he can barely breathe. His throat burns and feels tight with emotion.

“You aren’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair, gently scratching at his scalp.” You need to talk to him. Go shower and I’ll call him for you, ok?” It was risky to put Hongjoong in such a vulnerable position, such fear that would force him to curl in on himself and panic.

Hongjoong nodded while using his hand to wipe his tear stained face. He stood to walk down the quiet hallways of his house. Not a _home_

In his room, where his large bed stood unused for days. When Mingi left, he couldn’t bring himself to lay in it. It was too big, too void of warmth.

Hongjoong was a complex twist of puzzles. Mingi tried to understand the older, but kept being stumped at a dead end. But he always found a way.

Like when he found out Hongjoong was molested at a young age. Dead end after dead end brought him to this sick and cold truth that lived in Hongjoong’s cold heart. Shackles surrounded it in a protective fortress. Something he never shared with anyone willingly.

Just when Mingi broke down every chain and protective shackle with a key of love and trust, Hongjoong ruined it. He felt undeserving, complicated, _stupid_.

He locked each chain around his heart and threw away keys and burned any evidence of healing.

_I bet I look pathetic_ , Hongjoong thought as he stood under the shower head, letting the hot water bring an unfamiliar warmth back to his body. He hadn’t had the mental health to take care of his physical health. He hasn’t showered, or eaten in days.He drinks alcohol to drown away the pain and replace it with a numb thump. He lathered some shampoo between his fingers before combing it through the red strands.

He feels refreshed and new. He smells of lavender and walks out with two towels because he’s so cold after.

“At least you smell nice.” Seonghwa smiles at the younger reassuringly.” I’m cooking sundubu-jjigae , it should be done when he gets here.”

“He’s coming _here_?” Hongjoong sounds bewildered , eyes wide in fear.

“You’ll be fine. You’ll both be.”Seonghwa nudged him in the direction of his room.” He’ll be here in maybe half an hour. Go get ready.”

Hongjoong let his hair dry naturally in the air while he got dressed. Mingi didn’t like when he ruined his soft hair with heat.

He threw on a red sweater and a pair of blue ripped jeans. He didn’t bother putting on shoes since he wasn’t going anywhere , but he did slip on a pair of black socks. Seonghwa took their three years of friendship as an ok to walk in while he was getting dressed.

Seonghwa tucked in the sweater just a little in the front and wrapped a black belt maybe a little too tight around his waist

Seonghwa took this as the time to bump and curl his hair and make it all fluffy. He loved playing in his best friends hair. 

Hongjoong’s natural face was something to die for. He was flawless, despite what Hongjoong thought of himself. Seonghwa snatches away the the blue case that that held his make up and placed it on the bed out of reach.

“No,You look good.” Seonghwa said as he turned back and teased one piece of hair in the middle of his head.

“I’ll be on my way to be there when Yeosang gets home .” Seonghwa dragged a comb through a particular piece and laid it perfectly in his head to blend in with the rest.

There was a few knocks at the door and Seonghwa dropped the comb toquickly jog out of the room. He fled down the stairs to the front door and gathered his phone. He grabbed his jacket from the couch and opened the door for Mingi, letting himself out as well.

“He’s sensitive.” Seonghwa points a finger at his chest. Mingi’s small smile fades into worry as he enters what used to be his home.” Be _gentle_ with him..” Seonghwa reminds him one last time before leaving the porch. 

It’s just a house now, not a home.

He looked at Hongjoong standing at the bottom of the stairs. He looked smaller then usual, if that was possible. He looked so soft and harmless. Plump red lips that stole Mingi’s attention. He was a little pale from the lack of care he gave himself these past few days.

“I um...Hi.” Hongjoong started. He messed with the sleeves of his sweater, looking up at Mingi as he stepped closer. A habit he picked up to combat his anxiety.

He fled out of embarrassment to the kitchen to turn off the stove. Thelarge pot was steaming with stew. Hongjoong struggled to try and lift it from the stove without burning himself.

“Let me help.” Mingi comes into the kitchen and nudges him aside to pick up the pot himself and set it on a black marble square on the table.It’s almost domestic, like nothing changed. Like Hongjoong still needed Mingi to do tasks that his short body just didn’t allow. Like Mingi still cooked for them both and forced Hongjoong to eat before going to work.

It’s quiet when Hongjoong serves them both.

He places Mingi’s bowl in front of him. It’s too quiet when he sits down. He feels his face heat up. It’s been a few days, but seeing Mingi was breathtaking. Someone he’s known since high school. Someone he’s moved in with and made this house into a home with.Mingi stares at him.

He stares back. 

It’s only a few seconds until Hongjoong is reaching- climbing over the table and grabbing Mingi by his shirt, to pull him in for a starved kiss. Mingi returns it and rounds the table to meet Hongjoong without breaking contact for a second . He pins him on the sink behind him and attacks his mouth with feverish kisses, exploring every inch of his mouth . He picks him up and sets him on the edge of the sink, large hands finding his thighs and gripping them harshly.

“I _missed_ you.” Hongjoong said between kisses. Mingi pulls back and basks in his beauty. He connects their foreheads and gently massages his hand up and down his leg, like it was the last time he’d ever touch him again.

“I missed you.” Mingi says with urgency.” I understand if you need time and Seonghwa hyung said-“

“I don’t want anymore time.” He gripped the hair at Mingi’s nape and pulls with need.” I need you, Mingi.”

**

They fell asleep in each others arms, wrapped up in a cluster of limbs, exhausted from their own emotions. Mingi woke up first,watching theolder sleep for what looked like the first time in days. He didn’t even stir when he got up.He looks relaxed and healthy, better then how he looked yesterday.He strokes his fingers through his hair and pushes away pieces that blocked his face from his view.

Hongjoong woke up alone,but the house wasn’t silent. There was a clutter of dishes, plates being hit together in the sink.

Hongjoong threw the covers off his tiny body. He wasn’t wearing any pants, but the sweater came down just enough to cover his butt. It felt too familiar. When he woke up he always heard Mingi doing something, anything. The younger was naturally loud and clumsy.

“Morning.” Is what Mingi says. He’s washing a few dishes from last night and setting them in the drainer to dry.

Hongjoong comes behind him, and wraps his arms around Mingi without thinking. He turns around in Hongjoong’s arms and cups his face to kiss his lips softly .It’s loving

And it sent shivers up his back.

He was so close it almost seemed like a trick, like some sort of illusion. He could smell him, touch him and it almost wasn’t real.

Mingi smiles and it sends a warm flutter in his chest.It takes away Hongjoong’s breath and leaves him frozen. He feels his warm hands against his cheek.

_That smile_

That smile was something that could always make Hongjoong’s day. It could take him from the most depressed state and bring him into happiness.

“I’m sorry.” Mingi says. It’s full of pain and Hongjoong panics. He reaches up to touch his face and wipe away the small tear than escaped down his cheek.” I’m sorry I didn’t call you. I’m sorry I didn’t try and fix it.”

“It’s my fault, I was insecure.” Hongjoong hurried to explain. It was rare to see Mingi cry. He wasn’t void of emotion or anything, it’s just the younger was always happy. Always flashing that blinding smile and laughing louder than a jet engine.

“I love you.” There’s soap on his hands but Hongjoong doesn’t care. He lets him make a mess of water and soap on his face and sweater as they kiss by the sink.

It’s slow and concentrated. Getting back that feeling of their lips sliding against each other in unison. Days of being apart igniting need within them both.

“I love you too.” Hongjoong says once they pull back for air. He grabs at Mingi’s forearm and demands more. He obliged and wraps a strong arm around his waist, pushing him back against the table a few feet behind him.

Soft and sweet soon becomes sharp breaths and feverish kisses. Tasting each other and never satisfied. Obsessed with the feeling of each other, obsessed with the way their bodies fit together perfectly.

Before Mingi left, Hongjoong couldn’t say he had rough make up sex on the kitchen table at 10 am.

Now he can, and it felt  _good _

The way Mingi’s large hands held him up and made him feel secure, protected even.

Mingi breathes heavily in his ear, leaving kisses up his cheeks that end in the center of his forehead.

Their sweaty and messy and it’s hot in the kitchen now. Hongjoong grips his arm like a lifeline and unwraps his legs from around his waist, they feel sore and he winces at the smallest movement. Mingi adjusts him a little before pulling out so it wouldn’t feel uncomfortable for him.

Hongjoong looks up at him with those wide eyes that show so much love and care. Mingi cups his face and kisses him. He can’t get enough of Hongjoong. He needs touch him, to feel and hold him

To kiss him.

He always knew Hongjoong loved him, no matter how he showed it. Whether it be running away from his hugs, or locking Mingi out of his studio while he worked non stop without a break. He knew Hongjoong loves him with every inch of his being.

It’s not a lot of inch, but it’s enough for Mingi.

**

“Get out.” Hongjoong says. He’s hunched over his desk and seems to be having a mental break down. Mingi closes the door behind him gently and sets down the grilled cheese next to him.

He closes Hongjoong’s laptop and pulls the older away from the desk. He’s in a hoodie he found on Mingi’s side of the closet. It’s covered in cologne but he loves it. It’s way too big on him, and it makes him look tiny.

“Eat.”

“I’m not-“

“I didn’t _ask_ if you were hungry or not. It’s been a day, eat something.” Mingi sets the cold bottle of water in his lap.” Jongho’s song can wait, you’re more important.”

Hongjoong picks up the sandwich and takes a bite out of it. He chews slowly and looks up at Mingi from his chair while he does. Their house is finally a home. A big,warm, giggly, crescent smile home.

“Thank you.” He says in a light voice. He takes another bite and sets it down to open the bottle of water.” It’s good.”

“Let’s go for a walk.” Mingi pull him up and holds his water for him while Hongjoong finishes eating the sandwich. He closes the studio door and snatches the key from Hongjoong to lock it for good.

“Mingi!” Hongjoong complains.

“You can go back in after you get a good nights sleep and eat breakfast tomorrow.” Mingi pockets the key and drags Hongjoong outside.

“It’s hot.” He complains but Mingi pulls him through it.

“Stop spending all your time in there. You’re driving yourself mad.” Mingi stops in the middle of a populated street and wraps his arms around Hongjoong. He hugs him like it’s the last time he’ll ever see him.

He smiled as the older drove himself into a nervous fit. He knew the consequences of being a homosexual , let alone in public.

Mingi didn’t _care_. He didn’t care as he tilted up Hongjoong’s head with the tips of his fingers and connected their lips in a gentle kiss.

All the negative thoughts that batted down on Hongjoong’s confidence disappeared.

Well for one, Mingi was six foot. He doubts anyone would start trouble with him while he was lean and muscular. And then the overall soft touches Mingi leaves over his body. Like no one else exists, like he doesn’t .

Hongjoong feels something pushed into his hand. It’s a suede texture and he rubs his thumb across it. He pulls back, panicking internally at the object in his hand. He doesn’t have time to take it and inspect it.

Mingi steps back and gets down on a knee, the object in his hand was a small black box. Hongjoong’s jaw _drops_.

In the middle of the busy streets, Mingi opens the box and presents the silver band to Hongjoong. He feels eyes on him from everywhere, but Mingi’s smile alike reassured him.

“I know we’ve had our ups and downs this past month, and I know it’s not good to put more stress on you but...” Mingi tugs him closer by his wrist. Hongjoong is frozen, wide teary eyes look down at Mingi as he takes the ring out and slips it on his finger.

“Kim Hongjoong, will you marry me?”

Everything is so quiet , but it’s a good quiet. He looks down at the ring, then at Mingi.

He finally closes his mouth and lets the tears rolls down his cheeks in what feels like an endless flow of heat and joy. His face is as red as a tomato, but he could care less. 

“Mhm.” He nods his head and tried to wipe his tears on the sleeve of the hoodie he stole from Mingi.

“I need to hear to say it.”

“Yes.” He lets out in a shaky breath. He falls into Mingi’s arms when he stands up. All his insecurities and thoughts of what anyone thinks of him flies out the window as he stands on his tippy toes go kiss Mingi. Mingi holds him tight . He wasn’t crying, but he was smiling so hard his eyes formed into tight crescents.

“I love you so much.”


End file.
